If you’re not already on the sexting bandwagon, WYD? It’s quite literally one of the hottest, easiest ways to connect with someone you’re feeling. And though it certainly served its purpose and got us all through a global pandemic, sexting is still The Move even as we begin to navigate in real life dating again.
But here’s something important to consider: Sexting female-identifying individuals may look different than sexting male-identifying individuals. And while it’s true that everyone has a different sexting style—regardless of their gender identity or sexual orientation—there are still some things you should keep in mind.
So if you’re like, hi, yes, this is me, and you are sexting female-identifying individuals, allow me to present an everything-to-know guide on all things sexting.
These expert-approved tips will 1) Help you sext more confidently, 2) Encourage you to establish boundaries so you feel safe sharing sexy words and pics, and 3) Be the reason you’ll actually want to masturbate while sexting instead of just pretending like you are. Enjoy!
Tip #1: Establish some ground rules
Just like when you engage in a sexual relationship with someone IRL, sexting inhabits a similar space. It’s good to talk about what the plan is if you both decide to share pictures, videos, or maybe even a naughty voice memo or voicemail.
Some questions to ask beforehand: What would you like me to do with our message history? Who has access to your phone? Are you comfortable with me saving pictures? Or videos? Or audio messages?
If you have a specific request—like, you don’t want your partner “keeping” your audio messages or saving your photos to their camera roll, express those boundaries before engaging.
Tip #2: Ask for consent
Once you’ve figured out how you want to handle the logistics that come with sexting in the digital age, the next thing you’ll want to do is make sure your partner is up for it. Because just because you’re game to sext doesn’t mean the person on the other side of the screen is.
You can 1) Literally ask them if they’re comfortable sexting or 2) Lean into it. Start slow by texting things like “How was your day?” and “How are you feeling?” before launching into full-on-sending-nudes mode. You can even them if right now is a good time to chat a little.
Then, once you’re both comfortable, you can drop lil hints and says things like “I can’t stop thinking about you,” or “When I think about you I get really excited,” or even something a little racier like “Can I show you what I am wearing under my dress?” Unsolicited nude pictures are a no-no fam, unless you and your partner have agreed it’s cool beforehand.
Tip #3: Be super clear about your intentions
Be mindful about what you’re looking for: Is it a relationship? Something casual? A person to masturbate with from afar during a global pandemic? Because you don’t want to lead someone on.
“Sexting is the perfect way to learn exactly what someone likes in advance so you’ll know what to do later. However, if you’re actively dating and looking for a relationship, I’d say sexting within the first 3 weeks would be a little too soon,” says LGBTQ+ relationship coach Sean B.
Tip #4: Make sure you’re not rushing the whole sexting thing
While you may be turned on and ready to initiate some dirty talk, sometimes your partner may not be on the same page as you. “For some, sexting is still considered a super taboo practice. It requires us to ‘tap in’ to a certain level of communicative intimacy that some of us aren’t comfortable with sharing,” says Gina Senarighi, PhD, a queer relationship expert and coach.
But “if it’s too early to have a sense of humor or humility about it, or if it’s too soon to feel comfortable asking the other person if they’re into sexting, it’s probably too early to dive right in with a hot set of pics,” says Dr. Senarighi.
Once you both have agreed now is The Time to sext, don’t be afraid to let the tension build organically, as there’s no need to rush into full-on, let’s-send-nudes-right-now mode, says May Kalinu, an LGBTQ+ relationship coach and expert. Try talking about how you’d be touching your partner if you were with them, how much you miss your partner’s touch, and what you’re physically feeling and doing to yourself.
You could then go into more details like, “I’d love to slowly caress your soft skin on your shoulder and down your arm” or “Imagine that I’m leaning in to caress your hair gently.”
Tip #5: Set the mood
When you are in the early stages of sexting someone, don’t be afraid to set the mood the way you would if you were having sex IRL. Maybe that means putting on a sexy lingerie set. Maybe that means dimming the lights. Maybe that means listening to an amazing sex playlist. In other words, do whatever to make sure you’re feeling sexy and confident.
“Similar to real life, you want to build up tension and go slow. Don’t immediately jump for the genitals just because you’re over the phone. Take it slow,” says Kalinu.
Tip #6: Ask sexy questions
Not sure how to just dive right into it? Start by simply asking questions like “What are you wearing?” or “What would you want to do if I was there right now?” These can help get things moving in the right direction, and also give you a sense of where your partner is at when it comes to sexting.
Kalinu suggests even saying things like “I’m feeling a little naughty,” and asking things like: “Are you interested in sexting?” , “Have you ever had phone sex? Should we try it?” , and “What do you think about sending some voice memos or photos to each other later tonight?”
Tip #7: Tap into the emoji sex code
Nowadays, emojis are used for alllll the sexual innuendos, so play up the emojis as much as you like. I mean, rain drops can be used to represent wetness, a peach can be used to describe a plump booty, a cat can be used to describe…well, you get the idea.
Once you get clued into that side of the keyboard, there are a lot of fun ways to sext and be cheeky about it in the process. Plus, if you or your partner is at work or in public and can’t get into as much as they would like, being able to send a few sexy emojis in a row can be a fun turn on for later.
Tip #8: Have a few phrases ready to use
You don’t have to formally “prepare” of course, but it’s nice to have a few sexy things to pull out when you need to.“You can say ‘that’s hot, tell me more,’ ‘tell me what’s next,” or even simply, ‘say more,’ which can help keep the energy flowing if you don’t want to drop the ball,” says Dr. Senarighi.
Having some of these key phrases in mind can help move the sexting in the right direction. Just remember what your previous partner may have liked is not what your current one may be into, so opting for an “Ah, do you like that?” is always a good way to gauge what your partner is into.
Tip #9: Be mindful about how your partner is responding
A major thing with sexting is making sure everyone feels comfortable and respected. Keep in mind that you may not be sexting them at the most convenient time, and be understanding if they are in the middle of something else.
Another thing: If your person is sending back equally fun and sexy responses, odds are that they are just as into it as you are. But if they tend to be more on the sexually shy side and are responding with just emojis or are Liking or Loving a message and nothing else, then think about maybe scaling back on what you’re sending them. Matching each other’s energy. It is so important.
Tip #10: Don’t take yourself too seriously
Trying too hard to say the right thing can be a lot of pressure and total buzzkill. But remember, sexting is supposed to be fun; It’s not a homework assignment someone is grading you on.
“Don’t take it too seriously or personally,” says Dr. Senarighi. “Being playful about your sexting, especially if you’re new at it, will help you open up to exploring sexting.”
This kind of attitude—you know, flirty, playfulness—can help take some of the stress off of feeling like you need to say exactly the right thing. Plus, keep in mind that what the “right” thing to say depends on the person.
“One issue that comes up for my clients in relation to sexting is the fear that the energy won’t be reciprocated, meaning maybe the other person isn’t into it and what exactly to say aka the sexting language,” says Sean B.
Our suggestion: Tell your partner what you’re thinking, feeling, and what you want to do to them without fear of judgement. If you’re into it, there’s a 90 percent chance your partner will be too.
Tip #11: Practice, practice, practice
Once you’ve gotten comfortable with where you’re at in your relationship with your special friend, then all you have left to do is sit back and let your creative and naughty writing skills get to work.
“I definitely encourage all my clients to do their research: Read erotica short stories, books, novels, etc. to get comfortable with mind and word stimulation. Find fun and sexy adjectives, and even positions described through text,” said Sean B.
Be open with your fantasies too. Tell that person all the things either you want them to do to you or all the fun and dirty things you want to do to them. Lastly, make sure to match their language re: dirty words and phrases.
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