While sexting, video-sexing, and Zoom dating are all well and good, sometimes you wanna inject some flirtiness into your everyday text banter without having to get camera-ready, ya feel? Enter the humble emoji. While they’ve always been great for zuzzhing up your convos, we must call upon them now more than ever to communicate our horniness from afar.
Sure, a picture is worth a thousand words, but well-utilized emoji are worth at least double that. Emoji are special because they occupy the sweet space at the intersection of thoughtful communication and absolute chaos, aka ground zero for horniness. Still, not all emoji are created equally horny. Here is the official ranking of the horny emojis, from least to most horny. Any disputes/complaints can be emailed to 🍆@👉👌.com.
13. Woozy Face: 🥴
One of the newer emojis, the “Mouth with Uneven Eyes,” as officially called by Unicode Standard, aka the governing body of all things emoj, was released in early 2018. For those of us who don’t update their software regularly like scrubs (this is a self-drag, btw), it’s worth updating your software just to see this queasy little face in the wild, instead of just a square. This unofficial “orgasm face” emoji is obviously, obviously horny, but better used in an ironic-horny way. You don’t want to punctuate an iMessage sext sesh with 🥴 to indicate your climax, know what I mean? Still, this little guy deserves horny credit, where credit is due, placing 13 on our list.
12. Saxophone: 🎷
What’s sexier than the smoothness of jazz? Exactly. The saxophone emoji can be seen as a call to arms for getting it on. The smoother, more sophisticated version of a “U up?” text, if you will. Fire this baby away and your receiving partner will see it as you raising your eyebrows teasingly and making eyes at them, which is exactly how they should read it.
11. Angel face: 😇
The overt innocence of the angel face emoji means it’s most effectively deployed to offset a graphically horny sext or otherwise explicit message. It’s like the “Who, me?” of emojis. It might seem far from any horny meaning at first, but context is everything, baby! This emoji can turn an already dialed-up sext to an even hotter sext, because self-awareness. Maybe you seem pretty vanilla, but you’re feeling particularly not-vanilla that day. Pepper in some angel face emojis to show your multitudes.
10. The humble eggplant: 🍆
The eggplant, once an icon of phallic imagery, is now only slightly horny due to extreme overuse. This little nightshade has peppered so many sexts that it’s hard to walk by certain sections of the produce department without blushing. If someone uses 🍆 in a text, the best-case scenario is that they fell asleep clutching their phone and accidentally tapped the eggplant and pressed send.
9. The overripe peach: 🍑
Peaches only rarely look like butt cheeks in real life, but on the emoji keyboard, every peach is An Ass. A string of 🍑🍑🍑 is a suitable and good response to a selfie in which someone’s butt looks good, but it’s not necessarily a horny response. The peach, with its demure little stem and perky leaves, is too innocent to ooze unbridled horniness.
8. The sweat (or is it?) spray: 💦
Horny is an explicit feeling, but sometimes that feeling can be communicated with nuance: hence the sweat droplet emoji. Is it sweat? Is it jizz? Is it female ejaculate? Is it a wet detritus made up of all those things? That’s for the receiver of a text containing 💦 to decide. And that ambiguity? It’s horny.
7. The immature hand motion: 👉👌
We all have this friend—let’s call him Troy—who, no matter the situation, is obsessed with making a sexual joke. Troy says things like, “That’s what she said,” but at the office. Troy is always muttering things under his breath, and when you say, “What was that?” he repeats his inappropriate joke at a higher volume, and you immediately regret egging Troy on. This is the horny emoji combination preferred by Troys. Yet it raises an interesting point: While this emoji string isn’t inherently horny, there is horny energy to someone who confidently whips out the 👉👌 in 2019.
6. The eager tongue guy: 😛
Sometimes you can be horny for something that isn’t sex, namely a really good-looking piece of food, and that is what 😛 is best for. A string of 😛😛😛 is equally appropriate in response to a sizzling plate of fajita meat as it is to a flash-on mirror selfie in a bikini. It’s horny because no one would respond this way—tongue out, eyes wide open—in real life when feeling horned up, but over text? It works.
5. The ride ’em cowboy: 🤠
There’s maybe nothing hornier than someone who has the same reaction to literally everything, and the cowboy is the emoji encapsulation of that vibe. Sending a single 🤠, no context, to someone you regularly hook up with can be fairly interpreted as a nonverbal “I’m horny.” Sending 🤠 is a heads-up that the next time you two are together, it’s on. A 🤠 signifies legitimate excitement about the next chance to bone. If 🤠 were a real person, they’d fuck every day but, like, never talk about it.
4. The sick face (but only used repetitively): 🤧🤧🤧
It would be douchey to respond “ha, sick” to a sext, and yet it is not douchey and is, in fact, extremely horny to reply “🤧🤧🤧” instead, effectively communicating the same thing. 🤧🤧🤧 is horny because it is bold. It’s a simple way of saying, “I’m into this in ways words can’t convey.” It’s a show of horny respect, a placeholder for verbal validation to come.
3. This: 😈
The tiny smiling devil is maybe the purest of all the horny emojis. It’s impossible (well, not worth the effort) to know the origin behind the creation of 😈, but its modern meaning is something along the lines of: “I haven’t gotten laid in many months and my horniness has reached levels you could reasonably describe as evil.” The 😈 is what you send to friends before a night out on which your sole intention is to make out with a consenting stranger. It’s a depiction of chaotic horniness, the purest of all horn varietals.
2. The clown: 🤡
The clown is reserved for a specific horny moment: feeling horny for an ex. The clown, with its wide eyes, inhumanly large smile, and tiny tufts of hair fluff, is brimming with horny-for-the-wrong-person energy. It’s horn with reckless abandonment. It’s putting your hand into the flames willingly. A 🤡 is a warning sign that you are about to do something stupid, but in the grand scheme, harmless. It says, “What I’m doing is stupid, and I know it, and I do not care.” It’s enviable and terrifying. It’s probably the most-used horny emoji among Scorpios.
1. Surfing person: 🏄
You know the meme that’s like “my parents aren’t home” with a blurry photo of someone/thing rushing away? This emoji 🏄 is the cartoon representation of that meme. It’s a nonchalant way of saying, “I’m on my way [to absolutely rail the shit out of you].” It’s a polite way of saying, “Be there soon [to positively get that ass].” It’s so innocent that it crosses all the way back into horny territory.
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