Okay, raise your hand if you agree that sex is great (obvi), but can feel a bit stagnant sometimes? Yeah, same. It eventually gets to a certain point where the same location and same positions just don’t feel spicy anymore.
Insert: shower sex. Love it or hate it, people definitely have an opinion on all things shower sex. Especially since, for some reason, the natural progression from “I’m bored. Can we try something besides missionary?” is “Let’s try it in the shower!”
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And personally, while shower sex certainly seems like a great idea in theory (we can blame any Hollywood sex scene for that), there are always some bumps along the way—and not just those on my bikini line.
So if this love/hate relationship with shower sex is relatable for you too, sorry, but I’m about to expose you. Here are 27 things that are
probably definitely going through your head while attempting shower sex:
- Dear God, please don’t let me slip and fall. I don’t wanna die naked. Like, scale of 1-10, how embarrassing would it be to die naked? Naked!
- What are the odds they’d notice if I peed? I drank a liter of water today. Should be good.
- Why does water make everything so slippery? It’s like trying to catch a salmon in here. And I’m the salmon.
- There’s definitely hair in my butt crack. Does pulling it out count as foreplay?
- Yo, can we switch spots? You’re hogging all the water.
- I changed my mind. Can we switch back? I’m getting third-degree burns.
- Are we actually showering at any point? You could grease a pan with my hair right now. Please pass the Suave.
- Why do I have four empty bottles of shampoo?
- Where am I supposed to put my hair? Sticking it to the walls feels inappropriate given the situation.
- Porn told me this was supposed to be fun. I am not having fun.
- To be fair, porn also told me I’m supposed to love anal and have tits the size of Texas. So perhaps not the best source of reality.
- Please don’t pick me up. That’s way too ambitious for our current location.
- What did I just say about picking me up?
- When do I shave my legs? Or is that something I do in private? Oh, not appropriate for shower sex? Got it.
- What did they say? I got water in my ear.
- Is it still considered “dirty” talk if you’re in the shower? Thank you, I’ll be here all week.
- AGGGHHH. It happened. I fell.
- This is what I get for trying to keep sex exciting — a concussion and a newfound hatred of water.
- I really could’ve done more research before we decided to do this. I’m running out of positions to try.
- I’m not doing anything sitting down. I literally pee in here every day.
- We could use my vibrator. That’s always fun.
- It feels like I’m drowning. I’ve swallowed so much water, I should’ve been dead yesterday.
- I miss my bed. My soft, comfy, non-life-threatening bed.
- Doing it in the shower is truly an Olympic sport. Clearly, I need more training.
- What’s our exit strategy? Do I leave the bathroom first then you come out five minutes later?
- From now on, let’s just stick with the bed. If we wanna get freaky, we can do it with the lights on.
- Wow, that was highly overrated. Can’t wait until I get hit with the water bill next month.
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