Brat BDSM – How Do I Know if I’m a Brat in BDSM?


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Getty | Raydene Salinas Hansen

If you’ve ever heard the word “brat” when it comes to BDSM play and have been a lil confused, we gotchu. When it comes to the big wide world of BDSM, there are a ton of different play dynamics that fall within the umbrella categories of a dominant and submissive, including those of a brat (the submissive) and brat-tamer (their dom). Generally, a brat is what it sounds like, meaning someone who snarks back at their partner during BDSM play. And while someone calling you a brat outside of a pre-agreed upon BDSM setting might be super rude TBH, for those that identify as brats, it’s actually what they’re into and desire.

So yeah, if you’re just at work and like, a coworker calls you a brat, you’re allowed to get mad because duh, it’s kinda effing rude. For this article though, we’re talking strictly about the term “brat” in a BDSM-context.

Here to help clear things up, we’ve consulted a few experts to better explain exactly what a brat is in BDSM.

What does being a brat mean?

In BDSM, a “brat” is defined as “someone who who wants to be put in their place by a dom in the form of discipline because they’ve acted bratty, acted out, or misbehaved,” explains Carmel Jones, a relationship coach and sex expert at The Big Fling. While the brat is still a sub, the brat might push back or act demanding and shout orders to their dom in the hopes of triggering them to discipline them more harshly, in a way that caters to their fantasy of being reprimanded in a sexual way, Jones adds.

What does Brat-Tamer mean sexually?

The dom in a brat-play relationship is referred to as a “brat-tamer”. So this would be the dominant person who has to, you guessed it, ~tame the brat~.

How does a brat act out?

It varies from relationship to relationship, but a common dynamic might be the brat saying things like, “This is nothing,” or “Is this really your worst?” in an attempt to egg on their dom, according to Jones.

If I think I’m into brat play, how do I go about introducing that to my partner?

As with all sex things, talking it out beforehand is crucial to making sure both partners are on the same page. You obvi don’t wanna just start snapping and talking back to your partner out of nowhere, so it’s a good idea to discuss BDSM (if you haven’t already) and brat play specifically. Communicate openly and honestly about your needs and desires, while making sure to give your partner space to listen to them and their reaction, says Searah Deysach, sex educator and owner of sex shop Early to Bed. If you find that your partner needs some more education on the topic or time to think about it, that’s totally valid and should be respected. On the other hand, it might be something they’ve also thought about and are secretly stoked that you brought up first.

What are some ways to incorporate brat play into my sex life?

Once you’ve talked the talk and are on the same wavelength, it’s time to walk the walk. “Try testing the waters with being resistant with a little smile,” suggests Nicole Buratti, sex expert and host of the podcast Sex Talk with Nicole. Another starting point Buratti recommends for beginners is to asking to be dominated to give oral sex, being “bratty” about it (ie, talking back, egging them on), and then giving in.

Can you be a submissive in BDSM and not into brat play?

Yup! Brat play is just one of many different dynamics included under dom/sub play. If you don’t like the idea of talking back and prefer a more submissive role, there are tons of other categories including, but not limited to: masochists, babies, victims, slaves, good girls/good boys, explains Jones.

“Here’s a breakdown of those subcategories within the submissive archetypes of the BDSM world,” writes Jones:

  • A masochist: Someone who enjoys pain often to a degree of sexual gratification
  • A baby girl/baby boy: Someone who is submissive while also exhibiting childlike characteristics such as curiosity. They often need to be coddled.
  • The victim: A form of consensual victim play. It’s typically only reserved for very experienced members of the BDSM community and always involves safe words to distinguish play from real life.
  • A slave: Someone who considers his/her body to be of sexual service to the demands of the Dom, in a slave-like manner.
  • Good girls/boys: a submissive who gets gratification from pleasing his/her/their Dom counterpart. He/she/they are often rewarded with praise for being ‘good.’

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