Closet Sex Positions – How to Have Sex in a Closet


Everyone’s in tight quarters right now AS YOU KNOW and some of us are getting ‘OMG help’ severely sex deprived. Everyone’s particular unwanted celibacy is its own special thing (sorry, mate) but today we’re gonna focus on just one situation: Let’s say that your partner/quarantine buddy is there with you, but other people (family, roommates, random squatters) are also there existing in your space mucking up your sexing. Do not panic. You have options. You can try a stealth bang while they’re taking a shower/watching Tiger King/otherwise occupied, you can get down in the bathroom or…you can do it in the closet. Yes, literally in the closet. Hey man, hard times. We can do hard things.

(As for the rest of y’all: If your partner is far away, sorry, my friend, it’s FaceTime sex for you, and FFS be safe about putting your naked ass self on the interwebs. To get you through it, here are some long distance sex positions to keep you going. If you need the Deep Wisdom on how to handle it, here’s some advice from people who do the LTR thing all the time, like as their regular life. And if you’re lucky enough to have a partner there with you AND they don’t load the dishwasher/adjust the heat/breathe in an incorrect manner, huzzah!, you’ve gotten the golden ticket in these End Times. You’re free to go.)

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SDO, Standing Dog Only

Stand up, lean forward slightly and brace yourself on the wall, a stack of boxes or whatever else is sturdy in there. You partner enters from behind — either hole, your choice. (If you opt for the butt, a versatile, quiet vibe that can be used on the clit or inside your vagina can be amazing.)

Shop Now Lovelife Mini Cuddle, $59, Good Vibrations


Sit and Spin

Drag a chair into the closet (quietly, not Pitch Perfect style). Lower yourself onto your partner, holding onto the back of the chair for leverage. Don’t use an office chair because soooo squeaky. Grind and thrust while your partner rubs your clit.


Chair Pose

Put yourself where their mouth is by sitting their ass in that chair and drape your leg over their shoulder. Your partner can kiss and suck your clit while sliding a finger inside you. If you wanna make it even easier, just rest a foot on their chair seat or your partner’s thigh, so you don’t have to balance. The time to feel the burn is not when already inside a slightly claustrophobic space, ya feel?


The Quiet Place

For some people, sneaking off into the closet is a sexual rush. For others, it’s more fraught and you’ll need a little more than hands, mouth and body parts to get off. Invest in a suuuuuper quiet vibrator and share with it your girl. Stand up facing each other and hold the vibrator between you. You can both press against it at the same time or take turns bringing each other to the edge ’til you’re clinging desperately to each other.

Shop Now Lovehoney Silencer Whisper Quiet Classic Vibrator, $24.99,


Froggie Style

Your partner sits or kneels on the closet floor. You squat over your partner, feet on either side of their hips. They can thrust up, you can thrust down or grind. Everyone’s just a little sore after, but worth it.

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