Does Edward Cullen Have an Icicle Penis?

Umm, I can’t stop thinking about something mildly disturbing that I need to get off my chest: Edward Cullen probs has an icicle for a penis.

I know, I know. This revelation fully shook me the moment I watched the viral TikTok video that explained how Edward has to have an icicle for a dick. Because she absolutely has a point. It just makes sense.

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But because we have yet to get this crucial detail confirmed from Stephenie Meyer herself (and, ofc, we got nothing from the Midnight Sun release either), I took it upon myself to launch an investigation. And yes, this may be the most hard-hitting investigative journalism piece I’ve ever completed.

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Exhibit A: Edward is freaking cold.

Like, so cold, it’s one of the determining factors that led Bella to believe her love interest is a vampire in the first place. “Your skin is pale white and ice cold,” she says before Edward makes her say it (IKYKY).

If Edward is ice cold just when you touch him, his penis is going to be even colder.

Another thing: Remember when Jacob had to cuddle with Bella to keep her warm in Eclipse? Because Edward, literally just being in the same area as Bella, was making her shiver? Yeah. Just think about seeing someone you love, freezing cold, all because of you, and then letting your frenemy—who is also madly in love with your partner—cuddle with them.

I cannot reiterate just How! Cold! Edward! Is! Why would you think that excludes his penis?

Exhibit B: The first time Bella and Edward kissed, she described his lips as “cold, marble.”

Marble! Marble!!!! Have you ever held a marble? It’s solid and heavy. It’s certainly not the soft pillow-y feeling you’d experience kissing normal (err—non-Vampire) lips. Even macking on chapped lips would be better than this—and we all know how horrible that is.

So in other words, he’s like kissing a rock.

And if locking lips with this dude is the equivalent of making out with your granite kitchen countertop, imagine what it’s like sexing with whatever is packing between Edward Cullen’s legs. Like TikTok user @ivannnana says, it’d be like a “popsicle in the puss.”

Exhibit C: Edward doesn’t have blood.

Because, remember, he’s “dead.” And not to get all morbid on you, but when you die, blood stops running through your veins. And for those of you who also enjoy disturbing murder podcasts, you know that corpses are… frigid cold because of the lack of blood.

So I guess all that to say that, again, Edward is just really cold. All over his body. Including his genitals. Which also begs the question: How could he even get an erection in the first place sans any blood in his bod?

Now, here’s the part where I have some questions:

Can semen travel through… cold temperatures? AKA icicle penises? Has any researcher ever studied this? Google confirms that semen is sensitive to both extreme heat and cold. And according to Healthline, “Your testicles can get too cold for good sperm production, since cold temperatures cause the scrotum and testicles to retreat up toward the body.” So how in the hell did Edward get Bella pregnant via his piece of ice?

Also, did Bella’s vagina mold Edward’s dick into something different every time they had sex? Because putting something so cold into a warm space (vagina temp = close-ish to your normal temperate = 98.6 degrees, baby) would be like putting a cold piece of cookie dough in the oven. (Right? Right?) So did it shrivel up inside of her? Did it lose its girth size? Did it grow into an edible cookie? Because logically, his cold peen would’ve reacted some type of way after entering Bella’s WAP. Just saying.

Oh, and did Bella ever get hella brain freezes? I can’t even suck on a Bomb Pop without getting a brain freeze. How in the hell could she go to town on her hubby’s member as if it were an icicle? Either way, blowjobs are hard enough, so if this is the case, she deserves a Nobel Penis Prize.

So, obviously you can see just how confused I am about this theory. And, really, I need help getting to the bottom of this. Especially if it’s detrimental enough for me to swing my vote from #TeamEdward to #TeamJacob.

What I can confirm, though: My middle-school-self did not create a pro/con list of all the reasons why I’d want to date a vampire just so I could fuck an icicle. So Stephenie, please, what say you?

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