As this suckfest of our new normal continues to continue, the New York City Department of Health has given us a surprisingly kinky set of guidelines for how we can maybe, possibly proceed with sex—or at least, sex-adjacent things—during the time of Covid-19. Among the highlights are the bits where they explain that feces = poop and the advice to “Make it a little kinky. Be creative with sexual positions and physical barriers, like walls, that allow sexual contact while preventing close face to face contact” which means…glory holes?
The biggest takeaways, though, are that you are your own safest sexual partner…and even then you have to wash the living hell out of your hands and whatever toys are involved both before and after. You next safest partner is someone who lives with you. If you have sex with someone outside your household, they advise having as few partners as possible, boning only those you trust and asking about Covid-19 symptoms. And no, doggy style won’t really be that much safer than missionary when it comes to potential COVID exposure, according to doctors, but if that’s your preferred position, by all means pick that one.
For all scenarios, wash up before and after and don’t touch your eyes, mouth or nose with unwashed hands. Wear a mask, avoid kissing and rimming and use barriers like dental dams and condoms (Covid shows up in semen, but it’s unclear if you can actually get it via semen). If you live in NYC, you can get free safer sex products. Other cities might offer similar deals—contact your state health department for info.
Remember: Doctors are still recommending you stay inside your own home and use toys, masturbate, or have virtual sex instead of venturing out for sex, but if you are having sex with someone you already quarantine with, wear a mask and try these positions.
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The Distanced Doggy
The closest you’re gonna get to six feet apart while still having your junk connected to each other is doggie. No kissing (sorry), wear masks (both of you!), and skip any oral beforehand unless you’re going to use condoms and/or dental dams.
Toy Mash Up!
Take turns teasing each other with a series of toys. One partner lies back and the other teases them with a series of toys. For a penis-haver, mix your hands, a masturbation sleeve and vibrator pressed to onto their perineum (the patch of skin between their balls and anus). For a vulva, mix hands, a clitoral suction toy and a throbby g-spot toy. The element of surprise and different stimulation is fire.
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For vulvas and vaginas:
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To minimize your exposure to droplet-spreading heavy breathing, opt for positions that don’t put you directly in the line of fire. Have your partner sit leaning back onto their hands, while you kneel onto them, facing away. Press a toy against your clit for maximum bliss.
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Keep your distance by masturbating for each other, but instead of just getting to it, add some power play elements. Try a kinked out Simon Says game where one partner instructs the other on exactly how and where they can touch themselves. Or go with a Mother, May I? version where one person asks (begs?) if they can touch themselves in a certain place, go faster or slower and when/if they can have an orgasm.
Butt to Butt
Outfit yourself and your partner with a double headed vibrating dildo and go butt-to-butt. (If your partner has a penis, they might like it in their butt for prostrate stimulation while they masturbate. This is definitely an “ask first” kind of thing.) Is it safe? Probably. There, alas, have been no butt-to-butt studies. “We don’t know what the @$%% this virus is doing,” says gyno Heather Bartos, MD,“If you disinfect well and don’t do fecal-oral, you’d probably be okay.”
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