How to Turn Yourself on After Election

ICYMI (as if you could): Election day was exactly 5738247 years seven days ago. And needless to say, it’s been one hell of a week. With the fate of the country’s future on the line, it was impossible to think about anything besides the news, Pennsylvania, and Donald Trump’s Twitter feed.

Let’s just say most people’s libidos were not exactly thriving.

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But now that it’s been one week since the election, and we officially have a President Elect, you may find yourself overcome with feelings of happiness and relief.

So after a long week of nail-biting, panic attacks, and zero sex drive, let’s prioritize some self-love.

Below, 14 ways to turn yourself on again if your libido is currently MIA:

  1. Scream into your pillow. Did you get all of that negative energy out? Good, now use said pillow for dry humping purposes.
  2. If you’re into it, encourage your partner to spank you. The slight pain will distract you from “will Trump ever concede?” anxiety, while also feeling p damn good.
  3. Light some candles. Dimming the lights will hide the Dorito dust on your fingers—and set the mood.
  4. Look at pictures of young Biden. Whether you’re a fan or not, the dude was a babe in the sixties.
  5. Take a drive past your polling place. Reminisce about the day you cast your ballot to have an ~emotionally~ horny moment. :’)
  6. Lay out your and your partner’s “I voted” stickers on the bed to set the mood. Forget the roses, fuck on democracy.
  7. Binge watch something other than CNN. Highly recommend The Great British Bake Off. Soak up their serotonin and take it into the bedroom.
  8. Sext your former fling who happens to be a postal worker. They deserve it.
  9. Sext your former fling who volunteered as a poll worker. They also deserve it.
  10. Buy yourself a white jumpsuit a la Kamala Harris’ acceptance speech outfit. Anyone would feel like a bad ass in that thing.
  11. Watch a thirsty Chris Cuomo interview. Fun fact, he’s somehow sexiest when you’re on the one-hundredth hour of watching him.
  12. Tell your partner you want to 273. Your partner will ask you “what’s that?” and you’ll tell them it’s the new 69. (Even if it makes no sense, that number deserves to be engraved in everyone’s head even more so than 69 does.)
  13. Listen to a Rosetta Stone French lesson. French is the language of love. Plus, some Canadians speak it, and I feel like that could come in handy should we ever have a repeat of the 2016 election.
  14. Take a moment to process that soon enough, major policy decisions will not be made via Twitter. The greatest gift to America *and* your libido.
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