It’s no secret I have A Thing for voices. Aside from literally writing an article about my aural fixation, I’m also notorious for screening all my online dating prospects via a phone call first. (No, not to listen to them talk about their obsession with The Office, but to assess what type of vocal register they’re working with.)
So when the COVID-19 pandemic hit, and people started opting for more virtually-friendly dates, my ass was thriving. Phone calls and FTs were already a part of my regular routine, so it was truly NBD for me to adjust. And I didn’t think it could get better…until it did.
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Eight months into this whole pandemic thing, I discovered the power of the iPhone audio voice message feature when a match sent me one—and friends, this may be what retires my beloved phone calls for good.
First off, hearing someone’s voice >>> reading their words. It makes a huge difference. It’s the number one reason why I love a good phone call. This way, you can 1) Hear the sarcasm in their voice, 2) Know whether they’re actually laughing (looking at you, “lol” phonies), and 3) Assess whether this person’s voice would be nice to have in your ear late at night.
In my opinion, it’s the best way to gauge compatibility. It’s super organic and v similar to if you were actually meeting someone in person.
Not only that, but it’s also wayyy more practical. Because I don’t know about you, but I like to talk. A lot. And sometimes my thumbs just can’t keep up. Why break your fingers when you can just talk into your phone? It’s simple.
Plus, you don’t have to be fully invested in the convo when you’re audio messaging back and forth. Just like with standard texting, you can be chomping on some Cheetos, scrolling through Instagram, and sitting on the toilet—all simultaneously even. When you’re on the phone with someone, that’s not really doable since it’s an immediate back-and-forth conversation.
This way, you still have time to process and think before you respond. And considering some people just genuinely do not enjoy phone calls, audio voice messages make for a nice happy medium.
It’s also just, like, way more fun than texting?? Going back and forth about how your day is going can be much more expressive via an audio message than a “WYD?” “Nm, you?” exchange.
And the sexting. My god, the sexting. Add in a few lil voice recordings of what you want to do to the person on the other end of the phone, and they will fully lose their shit. Trust me. Even some audio recordings of, uh, other buzzing or moaning sounds, can help.
(Oh, and if you’re worried about the privacy around sexting, audio messages eventually disappear. Once someone has listened, they go bye-bye after a couple of minutes. Zero trace. Just make sure your partner isn’t “Keep”-ing the audio messages if it makes you uncomfy.)
Now I know the iPhone audio voice message feature isn’t some new, wildly outlandish concept. But as someone who has had an iPhone the past, like, 8 years and not taken full advantage of this, it’s time you learn from my mistakes and start using this sorcery now.
At the very least, it’ll bring some excitement to your life. Because if you’re also riding out the pandemic with your parents and experiencing little to no interaction from other people—hi, it me!—flirty banter via audio messaging could be the move.
All that’s required: Tap the lil microphone beside your text bubble, friend. Thank me later.
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