Sex at Home for the Holidays

I don’t know about you, but I hate surprises. They’re just not really my thing. So when I’m home for the holidays and I walk into a high school reunion party to find my BFF hitting on the dude she used to cheat off of in algebra…it’s, well, surprising, to say the least.

Now, usually, who you’re going to hook up with when you go home for the holidays would be completely up to chance (and, okay, what cheap booze people are drinking that night). But I’ve uncovered a top-secret solution that I will share with you, and only you.

Presenting: my foolproof method of predicting who your hometown hookup is going to be based on your holiday treat of choice. Whether you’re a sucker for gingerbread cookies or rum balls, here are some freaky-accurate predictions about who you’ll be sucking face with in your old high school’s parking lot. Allow me to explain….

Gingerbread Cookies

Two gingerbread men

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When it comes to treats, you love yourself something only grown-ups like to chow down on. You’re totally going to be the one to go for the hot teacher everyone was thirsty for back in the day (you know, like Ezra Fritz hot). Or you’ll pull a Monica-and-Richard from Friends and hook up with your parents’ newly divorced friend. Age is just a number.

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Candy Canes

Close-Up Of Candy Canes Against Red Background

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You can publicly suck on a phallic-looking piece of holiday candy without even batting an eyelash. Obvi, this holiday season, you’re going to hook up with someone whose BDE matches your own. Who in the world could possibly be this cool, you ask? Answer: the class clown from HS who’s somehow now the most interesting person in the room, despite being a college dropout.

Frosted Sugar Cookies

Decorating Christmas cookies

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You love a good, old-fashioned, nostalgic classic, from The Grinch and Elf to those cute little snowman cookies Pillsbury has been making for as long as you can remember. You still have a soft spot for your high school sweetheart, who you’re most definitely going to play some tonsil hockey with as soon as you get home.

Peppermint Bark

Peppermint Bark

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Just like your holiday treat of choice, you’re complex and a lil hard to crack. And yet, under that icy-cool exterior, you’re as sweet as can be. You have the perfect disposition to reel in that nerd who grew up to be a mega hottie. Your cool facade will bring them (and everyone else) in, but your sweet nature is what already won them over back in the day.

Rum Balls

You’re that rare breed of human who genuinely likes the taste of alcohol. The only thing you love more than a whiskey on the rocks? Having a damn good time. You’re going to wind up making out with the drunkest person at the holiday party. Sure, the kiss will be a little sloppy, but at least there’s a high chance their tongue tastes like your favorite booze.

Santa’s Homemade Chocolate Chip Cookies

Slightly overdone chocolate chip cookies in a messy pile

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Okay, so you’re a lil basic. You stan a nice, tried-and-true winner in all aspects of life…and there’s nothing wrong with that. This holiday season, you’re going to hook up with none other than the human equivalent to the homemade chocolate chip cookie: the super-cool student body president turned budding finance exec. Sooo original.

Ferrero Rocher Chocolates

Delicious Ferrero Rocher Chocolate

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You’re a sucker for the finer things in life, and your taste in hookups is no exception. While your candy-cane-loving friend is hooking up with the class clown on some moldy basement couch, you’ll be groping the weird flexer from your AP chemistry class in the guest house of the mansion they bought at 25. They only told you that, oh, 45,737 times already, but so what?

Reindeer Chow

Trail Mix

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Much like Reindeer Chow, you’re eclectic, fun, and full of surprises. You’re so spontaneous that you probs would be down to hook up with anyone mentioned on this list just because you want to experience all that life has to offer. That being said, the person you’ll actually end up with is the stoner from your grade who’s now an aspiring EDM DJ who has his SoundCloud link in his IG.

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Hershey’s Candy Cane Kisses

chocolate on white

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You like romance in your candy and your love life. Needless to say, you’re going to fall for the impeccable game of the person who was dubbed Biggest Flirt in your high school yearbook. Let’s face it, this person’s been crafting their game since high school. You know they know how to lay on the romance. But just some advice before you go ahead and make love to the person who’s deffo made love to everyone in town? Use a condom.

Peanut Brittle

Peanut Brittle

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Yes, peanut brittle is a treat. But something about it just tastes earthy and slightly more healthy than, say, a candy cane or a piece of chocolate. You have a soft spot for things—and people—with a sort of hipster-y touch about them, which is why you’re in store for a trip to Pound Town with the slightly smelly (blame aluminum-free deodorant) hippie who’s spent life after high school backpacking around the world.


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