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Hey, cutie. Just wanted to let you know that this story originally ran in our March issue, so if you like what you see, you should probably snag a hard copy ASAP. Bye!
Let me be clear: The sound that comes out of a man’s mouth is the only deal maker or breaker I am a thousand percent ruthless about.
If I encounter a v sultry speaker, it won’t matter that he owns only two T-shirts and counts one of them as formal wear. If, though, I’m greeted on a first date with a shaky, “Oh, hi,” I don’t care if he’s Michael B. Jordan—you better believe I’m leaving 20 minutes later because my roommate’s nonexistent cat, Cornelius III, is missing.
Now, obviously, most people can’t change their range or control any speech issues they may have been born with (FWIW, I couldn’t articulate “r” until middle school). So I never judge or point out less enticing (to me) tenors. I’m just saying that I like what I like, and what I like is when guys with gravelly voices *also* add some assertive swagger to their delivery. Husky, commanding baritones = take me now, and narrate every sweet, sweet move along the way.
Like, sometimes, I’ll catch myself panting while watching a specific Nicholas Sparks movie (omg and that accent, Liam). And if a stranger confidently asks me something like, “Is this seat taken?” in a deep rumble, I literally perk up.
This is why I always insist on pre-date calls with any prospects I meet online. If someone’s voice can make my vagina sing over the phone, I’m horny until he’s buying me a vodka soda. But if I’m not into what I’m hearing, I’ll hit him with a “My ex recently came back into my life, so sorry.”
I even conned one guy—who used a damn good throaty whisper to hide our chats from his nosy roommates—into four (four!) phone dates before we met up in person. I really didn’t want his normal voice to ruin the aural fixation I had with him. Guess what? It did.
Listen, I know I sound…particular. But before you cast me off as shallow, think about your own fixations. Is it possible you won’t go out with anyone who’s under 5’6″? Or who bites their fingernails? Or who wears shoes with no socks? To each her own.