Weird Pets, Explained – Your Boyfriend’s Weird Pet, Explained

Hey, cutie. Just wanted to let you know that this story originally ran in our February issue, so if you like what you see, you should probably snag a hard copy ASAP. Bye!

Admit it: You’ve aggressively swiped right on an otherwise kinda whatever dude just because the golden doodle chillin’ in his pics looked like a Very Good Boy—and later been enraged to find out it’s actually his cousin’s roommate’s dog. “Hi, 911? I’d like to report a CRIME.”

Guys are constantly posing with pups to flex their responsible, fun-loving vibes because it works: 70 percent of singles say a floof-filled profile is a turn-on, a recent survey confirms.

But enough with the charades! You wanna know about that critter he’s not bringing to the brewery on Saturdays—the one you find out about on date four when you’re at his place and see a couple of frozen mice thawing in the sink and he’s like, “Oh, yeah, those are for Rumpelsnakeskin. He’s over there.”

That downplayed animal friend will tell you alllll you need to know about this guy’s dateability (seriously, it’s a thing). Sorry, grown-ass-man-with-a-hermit-crab (really?!), we’re blowing up your spot.

Raccoon = Crass

Raccoon in a tube

Picture by Tambako the JaguarGetty Images

Snake = An actual snake

Emerald Tree Boa on a Branch

Joe McDonaldGetty Images

Horse = Rich AF

Close-Up Of Horse Standing On Field

Sascha M. Sachs / EyeEmGetty Images

Ferret = An incel

Shy but cute ferret

Picture by Tambako the JaguarGetty Images

Bird = DTF 24/7/365

The blue bird. Himalayan Bluetail ( tarsiger rufilatus ). Uncommon Winter Visitor. Found in real nature Northern of Thailand.

Nitat TermmeeGetty Images

Tarantula = A masochist

woman holding tarantula

Jeffrey CoolidgeGetty Images

Iguana = Apathetic

Green iguana on a branch

kuritafsheenGetty Images

Hermit Crab = Always leaving the toilet seat up

Hermit crab

Antonio Luis Martinez CanoGetty Images

Snail = A sex addict

Snail on wood, close up

Ozgur DonmazGetty Images

Chinchilla = Full of allll the BDE (marry him now)


JustAsLiveGetty Images

Praying Mantis = Packing a pencil dick

Mantis religiosa (praying mantis) - in defensive posture, threat display

Paul StarostaGetty Images

Hedgehog = Testy

The European hedgehog (Erinaceus europaeus)

Oksana SchmidtGetty Images

Eel = Stalkerish

Close-Up Of Green Moray Eel Swimming Amidst Coral Reef Undersea

Rene Gazzola / EyeEmGetty Images

Chicken = Afraid of commitment

Close-Up Of A Bird Against White Background

Tawatchai Prakobkit / EyeEmGetty Images

Rabbit = A two-pump chump

Young girl holding small bunny in her hands

Charla AnneGetty Images

Goldfish = Control freak

lone goldfish in water

Christopher StevensonGetty Images

Hamster = Unemployed

White and brown hamster eating cheese and looking at the camera

Sol de Zuasnabar BrebbiaGetty Images

Mouse = Prepubescent

White mouse against white background, overhead view

Martin BarraudGetty Images

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